Home Again

I don't think I told you (my lack of Internet is still getting in the way of anything but the most basic blogging - this update is via iPhone), but I just arrived home to the Triangle (NC) for a friend's wedding and general having of fun. I'm looking forward to seeing loads of friends (I've had to resort to writing out my schedule 'cause it's packed full!), a quick jaunt to Miami to see family, and taking care of a few errands.

I got here Friday afternoon and the wedding was yesterday at Fearrington House in Chapel Hill. It was beautiful, but relaxed and fun. A total success! Weeell, except for the grooms's aunt tripping and dislocating her shoulder, but aside from that....!

Today I get to see my church family at CHBC and lounge around at Weaver Street in Carrboro, before meeting up with my cousin and her daughter later this evening.

I LOVE vacation! :-)

(Sort of) Wild At Heart

My friend L.K. from NC made a teasing comment today about how "wild" I've gotten over here in Ireland. I know she was (mostly) joking, but the fact is that there is a kernel of truth in what she said. There's something about having made such an earth shattering (to me) life change that makes it that much easier to try things and contemplate possibilities that would never have fit with my old self.

The pre-Ireland, pre-blogger me was caught in a rut of her own making, and she knew it. I could have stayed in my mostly comfortable, largely happy life and kept on doing the same things on and on. Eventually, my sense of being boxed in and living inside skin just a size too small may have faded away and left me, and that probably would have been ok. But, you know what? I like doing more than ok. I like finding myself chancing things that I would have pooh poohed or talked myself out of (I'm a great overintellectualizer) or just been too darn scared to imagine before. The box, the limits, I'd created for myself and talked myself into accepting was very familiar and very comfortable.

This? Isn't comfortable. Not at all. And sometimes I really feel it. I miss my townhouse, family, friends and the other great things that surrounded me in Raleigh. I find myself flashing to the most random images sometimes... being in my car driving down the highway at 74 mph (if you keep it less than 10 under the speed limit, the cops probably won't stop you); meeting up with the Friday Night Girls for Maker's Mark and random conversations about bodily functions; spending a quiet Friday night till late in Barnes & Noble with a truckload of books and something sweet from their cafe (a bookstore open till 11 pm!); long, reflective conversations with E.J.; the final moments of the Maundy Thursday church service before Easter; getting my semi-regular massage from John (best hands ever!) while Narada-ish muzak plays in the background. But, the happy truth is that I'm still glad I made the move. On the face of it, my life here is pretty normal, but just being forced out of my routine and forced to examine my assumptions and beliefs about myself has been incredibly liberating.

So yeah, pre-Ireland me would never have put her thoughts out on the web for anyone to see, hosted strangers in her house, chanced making friends online, flirted madly via text, or considered getting inked. Considering my previous comfort zone, that is pretty darn wild. But then, as I face the last few weeks before the big 4-0, I'm thrilled I took the chance to see what life could be like outside the box.

Baptist Easter in Ireland

This was the strangest and most disappointing Easter service I've ever been to. Easter is the highlight of the Christian religious calendar. Usually people go over the top in trying to cram things into the celebration; at the very least there's just more stuff going on. But, I left this service with my mouth (almost literally) hanging open, thinking "What just happened?"

Today was apparently "Family Sunday", so there were a couple of stories for the kids. But then.... nothing. No sermon. None. At all. On Easter, the most spiritually meaningful date on the Christian calendar! What were they thinking? And then, to just totally round out the weird picture, there was also no communion service. They always have a communion service. Every. Single. Sunday. It's one of the things I really do like about this church and prefer over my old one.

Usually I try and hold in my frustrations over ways this church just doesn't compare to mine in North Carolina. It's only normal, right, that the familiar seems better than the new, that the new seems not quite as good? I understand that the size difference, the culture difference, makes this like comparing apples and kumquats, but I still want my apple!

So, things I spent quite a bit of time missing about Chapel Hill Bible Church's Easter season activities today:

• Stations of the Cross in the weeks leading up to Easter
• Singing celebration songs and waving palms on Palm Sunday
• Lighting a new candle every Sunday
• Maundy Thursday service, so meditative and emotional
• The joyful and celebratory atmosphere on Easter
• Audience members being invited up to join the choir in singing the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah
• A relevant sermon
• A sermon

Welcome me back

So I've been away for awhile, okay a long while! No reflection on you, my scattered but wonderful readers and virtual co-adventurers. I just got busy and was actually enjoying having a life away from the computer. That's all over now :-) Not really, but I've been missing you all, so here I am!

Lots to tell about the past couple of months, but I decided to try filling you in as if I'd actually sat down and completed all the aborted posts I'd started. So here are a selection of vignettes from my Christmas and New Year adventures in pseudo-chronological order.

Shenanigans In the Real World (12/17/07): it's true, I have met Beth. How totally cool is that?! Think about it - you find a blog online written by someone who seems totally cool, you make a couple of comments on their blog and start chatting back and forth. Soon you're exchanging emails, then the occasional phone call, and a friendship is born. After having my guest room given away by Larry a few times (really, what's going on here Lars?), I finally managed to snag a visit this past weekend in The Big City. All I can say was I had a great time, and only partly because I got 95% of my Christmas shopping done :-) I just think it's amazing when someone you've never actually met turns out to be as fun and as much of a kindred spirit in real life as you imagined them to be. And Lars turned out to be OK too :-)

Battle of the Bulge (12/21/07): I just arrived in Miami a couple of days ago and already I'm in culture shock. My Lord, Americans are fat!

The True Meaning of Christmas (12/25/07): Without meaning to, and against all our efforts, we seem to have become trapped by the rampant consumerism of the season. Not the adults so much, but the children. How did this happen? My sister and husband work hard to set good boundaries and clear limits for their children. In fact my niece and nephew are the only kids, except for the children of my other Jamaican friends who grew up under the same kind of regime :-) and a select few others, whose childrearing I fully approve of. But still, Christmas had a small tinge of a nightmare. Gifts, stuff, coming out of the woodwork. My 2 year old nephew (who admittedly doesn't know any better), was like a wrapping opening machine, going from one package to the other ripping it open, then shoving it aside and moving on to the next one. He ended up trying to open his sister's and parents' gifts when he ran out of his own. And that took awhile because there was just so much darn stuff! My sister and brother-in-law finally had to end up choosing a selection to get stored away in the attic or outright donated somewhere else.

I now officially feel like an old fogey because all I could think of was how much my sister and I loved Christmas "in the old days". It had nothing to do with Santa (we weren't brought up to believe in Old St. Nick) and only about 60% to do with getting gifts :-) The whole season was special because of it's spiritual meaning and religious traditions, get-togethers with family and friends, and the ritual of Christmas morning - first early morning church service (6 am!), then breakfast, then opening gifts in rotation from person to person. We loved it. Even if we only got a handful of gifts each. I hope we're able to transmit something of the same experience to my niece and nephew, I really do.

The Surreal Life (12/28/07): spending a holiday at my sister's jungle cottage/amazingly landscaped house in Miami always makes me feel like I've left the real world behind. There's just something about not having any deadlines and living your days centered around the needs of the 2 amazing manifestations of my sister's (and my) DNA that just takes you out of your life. I have no responsibilities here except to engage in lengthy explorations of the backyard sandbox, take spontaneous trips to the zoo or the beach, or pretend I'm a soccer mom (or is that gymnastics aunt?) for a day. Nine days have passed since I dragged my whipped butt off the last connecting flight from Cork and it feels like I just got here yesterday. I can't wait till they come visiting in June! I wonder if they'll bring the same surreal world to Ireland with them?

Battle of the Bulge - II (12/29/07): Now I remember why it's so hard to keep the weight off here. I went to Macaroni Grill last night with my cousin and her beautiful and frighteningly athletic daughter and ordered one of my favorite pasta, cheese, and shrimp (not prawns) dishes. It smelled amazing and tasted even better, but it was so heavy and there was just so darn much of it that I could only eat about a quarter. The rest I brought back in a doggy bag. Has my stomach really shrunk that much? I'd like to think so :-) I have to admit though that a big part is just not having access to as much choice in Ireland. I'm overwhelmed now going into Tar-gay, or even just Eckerd Pharmacy, by just how much candy and sugared sodas and various crap calories packaged in pretty colors there are at the check-out counter and scattered everywhere. In fact, I'm overwhelmed just by the amount of choice in general!

I Feel The Need For Speed (12/29/07): How have I lived for 5 months without driving?! Since I still have not found someone to take over the lease on my beautiful Passat, it's been sitting in my cousin's garage in Raleigh patiently waiting for me to come back and give it some loving. And what a loving! I actually did get in some driving while with the family in Miami, but driving someone else's minivan around with a toddler and a talkative 5 yr old didn't give me quite the same rush as stepping into my own dream machine. The rush was totally unexpected but ohhh, so nice! The power beneath my feet, the authority of maneuvering a vehicle around vs. the innate helplessness of relying on my own 2 feet and the vicissitudes of public transportation, the sheer pleasure I got blasting the radio as loud as I could stand it with the sunroof open and putting the pedal-to-the-metal, driving way too fast down a straight, wide (4 lanes each way!) highway. There's nothing to beat it. Yeah, traffic was a bear and I rediscovered my inner impatient, angry cynic (there's nothing quite like road rage), but that first rush was totally worth it.



Worship (12/30/07): I love my church, I really really do! I knew I missed it. The small little Baptist fellowship I attend in Cork is great, but there's nothing like being around people who you've known for years (literally almost half my life now), in a fun setting that you're completely familiar and comfortable with, and knowing that your contributions were valued and are missed. I miss just knowing the rhythm of the place, including exactly how fast to sing the songs :-) Is it a Baptist thing where everything gets sung just a couple of beats too slow?

The message was great too, and only partly because it was given by the most recent minister I helped recruit :-) God wants us to enjoy life! We never seem to remember that part of the Good News. Dave also repeated a great rabbinical saying that I'm now taking as a personal challenge: God will call you to account for every permitted pleasure you refuse. I love that. I've got to get moving, there's a whole list of stuff I need to catch up on!

Kitty Love (12/31/07): Ah, there's nothing like the scorn of a high maintenance (possibly slightly spoiled?) cat who's been forced to live with a stranger (i.e., paid cat sitter and extremely patient professional) and several other animals for 5 months, without her owner around to provide the proper kowtowing and service! I was snubbed by my newly chubby sweetie today when I went by to see her. If only she knew how much money (lots!) and effort and angst I've put into finding her a good place to stay and preparing for her transfer overseas. Nahhh, she wouldn't give a hoot, she thinks it's her just due :-)



Overload (1/1/08): In contrast to my almost dreamy time in Miami over Christmas, my 4 days here at home in Raleigh have been crammed full! I've shopped to my heart's content, and my wallet's despair, and visited virtually every good friend I could find in town, some of them more than once! :-) I've loved it! Now I just have to find a way to cram everything into the previously empty suitcase and wrangle it back to Ireland. Remember my earlier smug complaints about rampant consumerism? Just call me Ms. Hypocrite.

Wheels! (1/27/08): It's small, cute, (relatively) cheap, and it's all mine. Yes! I am soooo ready to be mobile again. Walking everywhere may have been good for my waistline, but otherwise it was for the birds. Yesterday, for the first time, I had the freedom to go off exploring and, in some ways, I finally started to feel like I was in Ireland. My aussie friend, her 2 kids, and I meandered our way to Garryvoe Beach, Ballycotton, and several other very Irish sounding villages scattered across southeast Cork and the coast. We had a great time and I have the sand on my floorboards to prove it :-)


P.S. The picture is just a stock one, not my actual baby, but you get the idea.

I've Gotta Do This More Often

Last night I went to see the Harlem Gospel Choir on tour in Cork. Maybe not your usual venue for a gospel concert, but these guys are famous and I was really looking forward to getting a little taste of home. OK, so I don’t go to many gospel concerts at home either, but you get the drift, right? I have to say that it was the best thing I could have done for myself. On the bus trip into town, I pulled up my favorite track on my iPod, U2’s I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For from Rattle and Hum. It’s my favorite U2 song anyway, but this is my favorite rendition of it, in large part because of the backing gospel vocals (by The New Voices of Freedom, a separate group) which just makes you want to rock! So, there I was, dressed in my brown leather Italian boots (my new favorite) and feeling fine, bopping along to the music piping into my head, and feeling more like myself than I have in a long time.

I didn’t realize just how constrained and small I’ve been feeling lately. It’s only partly being what feels like the only non-African black person in Cork. I’m used to being the odd one out; it’s more general than that. I think being the new person, the foreigner, always feeling a little off balance and on the back foot, and always just a little aware of being in the spotlight (at least it feels that way sometimes), has caused me to become just a little emotionally hunched in all the time. But, listening to that song on my way in made me feel like I was standing tall again, like I was doing something I love and that felt so familiar. For so many reasons. One, I hear so little about U2 here in Ireland, it’s amazing. In the States, it felt like I ran across references to them all the time. Plus, I have to admit that I kept up with the fan sites much more regularly. I had a lot of time at work where I was just so bored, I had to do something else! Two, Ireland is a very white country. No shock there, I know. But, it’s more than the overall paleness of the inhabitants. Again, I’m used to being one of the few non-pale ones in my circle :-) Nobody bops around here, body language is so restrained. At church, we can be singing these great worship songs, but nobody moves! For a people who love music and dance so much, they’re remarkably still. Maybe I’m just used to the way Black-American culture has infused the larger society. But, even in my majority white-American church back home (admittedly getting more and more international all the time), people would be moving to the music.

I’m feeling more and more of the differences, the longer I’m here, and as I get closer to going home for the holidays. They are just differences, there’s no right or wrong, better or worse, I’m just really craving the familiar right now.

There's no going back now

So, the round of goodbyes has officially begun. Last Friday, some wonderful church friends gave me a send off dessert party. It was intimate (read "small"), though I've been assured that most people didn't actually know it was happening! Apparently, I'm the only one who reads the church bulletin! :-) Nevertheless, it was a wonderful experience. I was reminded again what amazing, funny, intelligent and giving friends I've racked up at CHBC over the years, and I was made to feel loved and appreciated in a very concrete way. That's not to say that I didn't already know that my participation, personality and talents were valued, but it's very affirming to have people actually say such things to your face, to be actively loving in a way that we often forget to be with each other.

It's interesting because the message last Sunday was about the (assumed but often ignored) centrality of the relationships among and between members of the Body of Christ as the way we grow spiritually. Certainly, that's been true for me. However much I gripe and complain sometimes about how much I miss having someone like my dancing partner Heather to sit with on a Sunday morning, now that she's abandoned me for San Francisco (so what if she got married!), the truth is that this church family has been my home for more than 10 years and it's almost impossible to imagine myself without it.

This Saturday, I'm being given another party, this one with a wider range of family and friends. Even my mom is coming up from Florida. Yeah! I'll get to see friends I haven't seen in many moons and get to hang out and soak in all the lovingness :-) How cool is that?! Of course, as someone who shall remain nameless was snarky enough to tell me at the church party, this means now I've got to leave. I've had my party(ies) and no changing my mind is allowed! You'd think church people wouldn't have such sarcastic senses of humor! Of course, hmmm, we pretty much have the same sense of humor. Oh well, there goes another stereotype :-)